Fragile and shattered
like fragments of scattered glass 

cracked and broken 
lay the shell of her former self
for she wore her demons like clothes

the lines and creases on her face told the story of her past
the blinding and foolish emotion known as love had hurt her 
one too many times
she loved him still through everything

she was too cracked and broken for him to see 
that he was the missing piece of her almost perfect puzzle 
and instead of fixing her 
he left her, broken and open 
afraid that if he stayed he would shatter her more

by abandoning her he left her hurting 
left her defeated and broken.
she would never be whole again 
part of her would forever be gone 
but it was this imperfection 
that made her simply perfect

If only she had seen that was the case 
then she wouldn't have remained as broken as she did

Its a long way down

Throughout my life I have gained many friends and lost them. Perhaps the most bitter loss I encountered was when I discovered that someone I trusted some one whom I called my best friend,  threw back in my face the trust I had put in her, using problems I had had against me to make herself feel better. Whats so bitter about it is how I find it hard to forgive her, I usually am so ready to let things go to forgive forget and move on. I have done that with people who bullied me, but those bullies were much easier to forgive because I never trusted them, I never saw them as people who were going to stick by me through thick and thin, I never extended them my friendship.But for someone who claimed to be so close to me, to stab me in the back, it felt like the ultimate betrayal of trust.

There were signs that things were going wrong in the friendship about three weeks before it was destroyed. We were becoming two different people, she wanted to take a path that I wanted no part in, she wanted to test the boundaries, smoke, drink herself silly. Things that might affect her future or her health. I wanted to no part in any of that behaviour. And then one day 3 weeks later she( lets call her phoebe) calls me up and begins to tell me that girls in her year group had been saying horrible things about me, being rude, things that were so mean ( I don’t feel like disclosing them) when I didn’t even know them. So I texted a friend who knew the girls Phoebe was talking about and asked her to find out if any of the horrendous things had been said. They hadn’t. Now phoebe had also texted me some of the things that had been said so of course i was quick to screenshot them. I confronted Phoebe about what she had said and at first she was quick to deny it but eventually claimed that it was a misunderstanding as the only girls in her room at that time( she went to a boarding school) had been talking russian, so I don’t really understand where she got those false mean comments from and I never will. I told her that I didn’t trust what she was saying because she had broken my trust in the past and I had given her many chances to redeem herself. I told her that it was nasty of her to pretend people had said things they hadn’t when she knew that the last 6 years of my life i had had to face being bullied by other people.  Then she turned around and blamed things on me saying that it was my fault because I was so busy not trusting her I hadn’t tried to help her when her friends were being horrid to her. This was entirely unfair as she had never told me she was having her own problems. I was horrified that she was blaming her actions on me and so I haven’t spoken to her since. I do have a theory that because she was having a bad time at school she wanted me to feel the same way and feel low like she did, I mean I don’t know if thats the truth but its just a theory that I have.

As I say there are several other times that she broke my trust one time in particular when she used something that was happening in my life against me, a serious problem I was having and thought it was ok to make fun of it to laugh at it.

I know it may seem like she did nothing but to have someone I trusted use the fact that i was bullied against me to make me feel vulnerable and back in that place where I hated myself and didn’t think I was good enough is something that I personally struggle to forgive. I guess the moral of the story is you have to know someone properly before you trust them with the most vulnerable parts of your life.


Saturday in the park

Yes i did spend my saturday in the park, and before you think i’m a sad loner with no friends i would like to point out there were 70 odd people with me true they were ranging from around 4- 40 but i still wasn’t alone. we(me and my family) were at a school fair which wasn’t amazing but it was something to do with other people. This made me realise how much humans depend on the company of other human beings, on having friends or people to surround them. Imagine being by yourself all the time, we’d probably end up trying to make conversation with a grey wall our lives wouldn’t exactly be exciting, so therefore are the people around you what you depend on in your life? what would a small child at school do if they had no friends to be with, most likely they would be sad wouldn’t they? So then technically we must be the least independant species on earth, I mean if you think about it with a lot of animals the parents leave their children at a young age but with humans it is until at least 18 i should think. of course it depends on what kind of person you are. Also its amazing I think the amount of people who leave home because they have a problem with their parents again showing our need for company. Would anyone really like to be alone? Would you? If given the choice would you go out with your friends or stay home by yourself? 


So i know one would usually see the letters T.G.I.F but i thought i would change it accordingly to come out as thank goodness for fridays(tgff) I don’t know what i would do without Fridays. Having said that only today did i realise that i was following my own blog which is only a little bit embarrassing, however i still cant figure out why i cant seem to unfollow my self!!  I was having a moment of thought to myself today before the usually hustle and bustle of people and I started to think about how different i would be if i had a) made different decisions in my life and b) had different interests. For example to delve into my mind to a while back if i had chosen a different secondary school to go to the one i went to the experiences i had weren’t exactly nice but they shaped me as person and made me understand the difference between real and fake friendships. However had i chosen a different school would i have spent the rest of my life not knowing how to cope with disappointment or not having to deal with things going wrong sometimes. Also me being mad keen for 60’s pop music, what i would be like if the style of music I liked was more up to date. Would i have been as unique would I have fit in better. The second one most probably but for me being unique is part of life and that is what makes you different from the rest of the world, if there were no different personalities imagine how boring everyone would be, and no one would ever know who was better for a job. All in all after pondering for a while i realised whilst i resented some of the poorer decisions in my life i wouldn’t be the person i am today so i am actually quite Grateful.