Its a long way down

Throughout my life I have gained many friends and lost them. Perhaps the most bitter loss I encountered was when I discovered that someone I trusted some one whom I called my best friend,  threw back in my face the trust I had put in her, using problems I had had against me to make herself feel better. Whats so bitter about it is how I find it hard to forgive her, I usually am so ready to let things go to forgive forget and move on. I have done that with people who bullied me, but those bullies were much easier to forgive because I never trusted them, I never saw them as people who were going to stick by me through thick and thin, I never extended them my friendship.But for someone who claimed to be so close to me, to stab me in the back, it felt like the ultimate betrayal of trust.

There were signs that things were going wrong in the friendship about three weeks before it was destroyed. We were becoming two different people, she wanted to take a path that I wanted no part in, she wanted to test the boundaries, smoke, drink herself silly. Things that might affect her future or her health. I wanted to no part in any of that behaviour. And then one day 3 weeks later she( lets call her phoebe) calls me up and begins to tell me that girls in her year group had been saying horrible things about me, being rude, things that were so mean ( I don’t feel like disclosing them) when I didn’t even know them. So I texted a friend who knew the girls Phoebe was talking about and asked her to find out if any of the horrendous things had been said. They hadn’t. Now phoebe had also texted me some of the things that had been said so of course i was quick to screenshot them. I confronted Phoebe about what she had said and at first she was quick to deny it but eventually claimed that it was a misunderstanding as the only girls in her room at that time( she went to a boarding school) had been talking russian, so I don’t really understand where she got those false mean comments from and I never will. I told her that I didn’t trust what she was saying because she had broken my trust in the past and I had given her many chances to redeem herself. I told her that it was nasty of her to pretend people had said things they hadn’t when she knew that the last 6 years of my life i had had to face being bullied by other people. ¬†Then she turned around and blamed things on me saying that it was my fault because I was so busy not trusting her I hadn’t tried to help her when her friends were being horrid to her. This was entirely unfair as she had never told me she was having her own problems. I was horrified that she was blaming her actions on me and so I haven’t spoken to her since. I do have a theory that because she was having a bad time at school she wanted me to feel the same way and feel low like she did, I mean I don’t know if thats the truth but its just a theory that I have.

As I say there are several other times that she broke my trust one time in particular when she used something that was happening in my life against me, a serious problem I was having and thought it was ok to make fun of it to laugh at it.

I know it may seem like she did nothing but to have someone I trusted use the fact that i was bullied against me to make me feel vulnerable and back in that place where I hated myself and didn’t think I was good enough is something that I personally struggle to forgive. I guess the moral of the story is you have to know someone properly before you trust them with the most vulnerable parts of your life.