Its a long way down

Throughout my life I have gained many friends and lost them. Perhaps the most bitter loss I encountered was when I discovered that someone I trusted some one whom I called my best friend,  threw back in my face the trust I had put in her, using problems I had had against me to make herself feel better. Whats so bitter about it is how I find it hard to forgive her, I usually am so ready to let things go to forgive forget and move on. I have done that with people who bullied me, but those bullies were much easier to forgive because I never trusted them, I never saw them as people who were going to stick by me through thick and thin, I never extended them my friendship.But for someone who claimed to be so close to me, to stab me in the back, it felt like the ultimate betrayal of trust.

There were signs that things were going wrong in the friendship about three weeks before it was destroyed. We were becoming two different people, she wanted to take a path that I wanted no part in, she wanted to test the boundaries, smoke, drink herself silly. Things that might affect her future or her health. I wanted to no part in any of that behaviour. And then one day 3 weeks later she( lets call her phoebe) calls me up and begins to tell me that girls in her year group had been saying horrible things about me, being rude, things that were so mean ( I don’t feel like disclosing them) when I didn’t even know them. So I texted a friend who knew the girls Phoebe was talking about and asked her to find out if any of the horrendous things had been said. They hadn’t. Now phoebe had also texted me some of the things that had been said so of course i was quick to screenshot them. I confronted Phoebe about what she had said and at first she was quick to deny it but eventually claimed that it was a misunderstanding as the only girls in her room at that time( she went to a boarding school) had been talking russian, so I don’t really understand where she got those false mean comments from and I never will. I told her that I didn’t trust what she was saying because she had broken my trust in the past and I had given her many chances to redeem herself. I told her that it was nasty of her to pretend people had said things they hadn’t when she knew that the last 6 years of my life i had had to face being bullied by other people.  Then she turned around and blamed things on me saying that it was my fault because I was so busy not trusting her I hadn’t tried to help her when her friends were being horrid to her. This was entirely unfair as she had never told me she was having her own problems. I was horrified that she was blaming her actions on me and so I haven’t spoken to her since. I do have a theory that because she was having a bad time at school she wanted me to feel the same way and feel low like she did, I mean I don’t know if thats the truth but its just a theory that I have.

As I say there are several other times that she broke my trust one time in particular when she used something that was happening in my life against me, a serious problem I was having and thought it was ok to make fun of it to laugh at it.

I know it may seem like she did nothing but to have someone I trusted use the fact that i was bullied against me to make me feel vulnerable and back in that place where I hated myself and didn’t think I was good enough is something that I personally struggle to forgive. I guess the moral of the story is you have to know someone properly before you trust them with the most vulnerable parts of your life.



The Bully, Bullied and the bystander

For a long time in my life I was bullied, so when I ended up befriending a bully I finally got the chance to do something right and to try and help those who reminded me of me. When I changed schools one of the first people to talk to me was a girl named for the sake of this I will call her Lulu. Lulu was kind and made an effort to make me feel integrated into the school, to make me feel like i belonged. She had 2 other friends called Myra and Anna. For two weeks all was well until I started to notice some strange behaviour on her part. When discussing Anna’s dad ( who unfortunately and very sadly died when she was at a young age) Lulu felt it was acceptable to say that it didn’t matter, no one cared he had died and that everyone should just talk about her. Of course I was concerned at this point and went to Anna and apologised for what had happened. Little did I know this was merely the beginning. A few weeks went by without a single hint of anything wrong until one day suddenly Lulu began to spread a rumour about Anna. Of course Anna was very upset about this and didn’t want to confront Lulu( she never did but Lulu tried to attack her running after her into the streets) however Lulu claimed that Anna had tried to push her into the road and called her racist names ( which she hadn’t and i pointed this out to her so it was never brought to the attention of the teachers) I told Lulu to apologise for the unnecessary behaviour but I don’t believe she ever did. It still got worse, one day Lulu and Anna got left behind in P.E and Lulu claimed it was all Anna’s fault. The Next day when Anna retold the story saying how Lulu had blamed it on her Lulu told her to ” shut up or I will kill you” of course i was quick to interject and make her apologise saying that her reaction was completely over the top and disgusting, and of course she was quick to say she was joking. However i left the room for a while and when I came back Anna looked terrified she came over to me and whispered ” Lulu just scratched me and said that she wasn’t afraid of me or afraid to hurt me” I confronted Lulu once more about this but she denied it, I made her apologise once more and told her if another problem arose we would no longer be talking to her.  A long time passed before the final incident, Lulu trying to keep to her best behaviour. But it all went wrong. We were at school playing a game of basket ball when Anna who was tired sat down ( she has dizziness issue). Lulu then angrily and very roughly grabbed her arm and flung her up. I ran over to see if she was ok and Anna then began screaming at Lulu in russian she had finally had enough. Lulu responded by hitting her and pushing her over, we had to break it up and a teacher was notified. The worst was still to come. The next day whilst I was in choir an incident occurred in which Lulu attacked Anna pulling her hair pushing her down the stairs and scratching her ( scars are left ).Lulu was then suspended

Now throughout this whole period i had wanted to notify the teachers but with Anna begging me not to I felt forced to put her best interests at heart believing that I could help her. I was careful to be there as much as I possibly could and spoke up for her once the final incident occurred. I cut all ties with Lulu telling her exactly why we weren’t friends and making sure she understood we never would be. I tried my hardest to stop Lulu and protect Anna through out the whole situation without forcing Anna into a position she begged me not to be in. I refused to be a bystander who just watched one of her friends get physically bullied. I now don’t understand why people who watch others get bullied can’t tell the bully to stop like  I did, or protect look after the bullied like I did. Just being there for someone who needs you showing them they have a friend and making them feel like everything will be ok is enough and I don’t understand why others in my position might not do the same as I did. You have to remember its ok to be the bystander that looks after your friend and tries to prevent the situation and sticks by the bullied through thick and thin, it is not acceptable to be the bystander who does nothing, watches everything, joins in with the bully and doesn’t tell  the bully they are wrong. Sometimes your obligated not to tell an authority but that doesn’t mean you can’t do something to make another person feel as though they aren’t so alone in the world, that they do have someone and the bully is the one who doesn’t deserve anyones friendship, that  doesn’t take anything and by doing it you become a decent and better person in the process


Back with a bang

So I only just realised today that the last time I was on here was 2014 which is crazy to me. Oh how the time flies.  Since 2014 I have grown so much and experienced so many different things,and I connected more to who I am truthfully. One of the biggest lessons I have learnt is that you should never hold onto something that is no longer within your grasp the same way that you don’t ever hold on to a person or a friendship that isn’t working anymore. I’ve lost my fair share of friendships over the last year or so and when it happened of course it hurt me because none them ended on particularly good terms but looking back now i see that it was all for the better and that honestly i was cloning on to something that didn’t even exist. I wanted to spend time with people who no longer cared for me any more. I read something a quote a while back, I don’t remember it exactly but the message basically was that being honest doesn’t get you lots of friends but it gets you real ones. People that I ended with throughout this year couldn’t handle my honesty and my opinions and I have come to realise that they aren’t true or real friends because real friends see the truth and accept your opinion for what it is and don’t try to undermine you or make you sit in silence. I guess what I’m saying is never be afraid to be yourself even if you feel that you isn’t good enough because trust me you is always good enough and people who try to tell you otherwise are insecure and can’t handle the fact that your unique and true because they aren’t able to do the same.

I might share some of my experiences with friends and people( obviously not naming people) because it probably will be a good experience for me. If you like the idea don’t be afraid to comment and tell me!


Stresssssss………. floundering fish

Stress seems to be the only word i can think of at the moment. I have come through a patch in which I have had so much to do i can barely think for myself let alone keep myself balanced and have a healthy lifestyle. Help because i feel like like a flounder floundering in the sea, its crazy. On the bright side though i have had a little bit more time to focus on writing, mainly writing songs and music because its fun. I going to be brave therefore and share a little bit of something that i have written so here goes:
” ooh why cant you love me,
why do you break my heart
three words you’ll never say
to me.”

and a chorus snippet
” and it feels like i’m free falling at 100 miles per hour
and nothings gonna slow me down”

i feel like i’m being crazy sharing this and now i feel very self conscious but please comment what you think of them or not thats up to you.
so in theory stress is both good and bad because it is difficult but it compels you to do better and strive to achieve what you want, and often the result that you can achieve are more pleasing than you want. i hope that the next blog posts will be better than this so I’m sorry that the stress hasn’t really helped with this. tomorrow i hope to write a blog post on achievement because I wish to share my opinion with you.


orange is the colour of today and i can already see the people on my street putting out pumpkins afraid for their lives if they don’t, afraid they might be egged my annoyingly loud children in ridiculous costumes. I’m sorry i just really needed to get that one out of my system, venting your anger to people on the internet often helps i find, well for me anyway maybe not you. I created my own private blog today on google blogger to stop things like me venting my anger to you lovely people, clearly i need to re think that concept as i can see that it hasn’t worked at all in my favour.
Recently i started watching this show called awkward, i don’t know if you have heard of it or not but it is just a typical show about a girl in high school exploring herself and whilst when i watched the first episode i thought that it was quite funny, after watching about twelve over the past week i have come to the conclusion that all the episodes are very similar and boring and to be honest i don’t want to waste my precious time with something that will only bore me to death more than i already am at the moment. I don’t know if that is the same with all american t.v shows, please don’t get me wrong i am not saying that it is but i just wonder, since i don’t generally watch a lot of t.v, i am not so into it as one might say. The only thing i do watch avidly though is the apprentice. So before i get off topic and start warbling i need to finish what i was going to say ,which i have totally and utterly forgotten. No worries i don’t think that it was of much importance anyway.
I feel like i haven’t really got a topic for this blog today, it is more like a spontaneous piece of writing where i put down everything that comes into my head. I know that is a bit hectic and unorganised but my life is like that and i can imagine that no one can keep to the same schedule all the time( only saying this so that i don’t feel as along in that train of thought).
Now before i bore you to death like my self i will end this post as i think that it isn’t going anywhere and i cant broaden on the specific topic seeing as there is none. So thanks to anyone who read this and i sincerely hope it wash’t that bad. If it was then i do apologise and promise that i will try not to spontaneously blog anything and everything that comes to my head again.



I know halloween isn’t really that big of an occasion however i still find myself getting exited about it, not the trick or treating part i can’t stand that but the concept of it. The awesome costumes that you get to wear, and sort of being a young child again,or the parties that you throw for you and your friends which takes hours to plan but always turn out to be really fun. But most importantly scaring yourself to death watching halloween movies that blow your mind. I recently watched the movie Halloween which i didn’t find all that bad, however the tension in it due to the music was commendable.At least i thought it wasn’t to bad until the final 15 minutes in which i found myself clinging the arm of my sofa like a child hoping that it might protect me from the horror which was Michael myers. Despite that i still felt dumbfounded that he could bend the laws of physics by being stabbed three or four times, shot 6, fall off an outside balcony and survive for many more sequels. The whole point in halloween is to be scared and horror movies certainly do the trick. I find it more funny that people might be terrified for the their whilst watching a horror film and many more days after yet still want to watch more, i find myself funny in that way as well. Generally when it comes to horror films i find that the sequels are never as good as the first film so i can not bring my self to understand why they(the film industry) would want to bring out hundreds and hundreds of sequels and spin off’s, its like they almost couldn’t think of anything better to do. However despite my criticism of this i think you will find that i am an avid horror film fanatic as i do always-its tradition- watch one or to on halloween to raise the spirits until christmas.
On Halloween i always try and i hide myself from the trick or treaters that come to the house as i can actually never be bothered to buy candy just to hand it out to little children. I know that sounds really mean so i think i will just take that back. Moving forward,i was told a while back by my friend that people don’t come to your house if you don’t leave a pumpkin outside so the next year i did what she told me. Guess what, they still came it seems people in my area don’t care about the pumpkins they want the candy and disturbing someones horror film filled evening by ringing the doorbell is their aim to do so. So in conclusion i really am exited about halloween this year and i do actually like it except for the whole trick or treating nuisance but that well that is just my opinion


The theme in question today is about heartbreak and how difficult love can be i think that these quotes surmise heartbreak although they are quite opposing:
‘If you don’t fight for what you want, don’t cry for what you lost’
‘Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don’t care, but because they don’t anymore.’
Recently I came to terms with what actual heartbreak is and I fully realised how difficult is. Its not a nice place and despite going through tubs of ice cream and listening to hate songs it was still hard and then trying to go back to those memories is still painful for me now.
In the first quote in my opinion is saying that if you give up on love too easily there is no point crying over it as it wasn’t properly there in the first place. I think that it means that unless you prove your love to someone then you haven’t fought for what you wanted crying over it is pointless as you didn’t truly get to express how you felt for a person and therefore how were they able to know how you felt.
In the second quote i believe that it is saying that you can’t force love because you can’t chose who you love. Trying to force love will more likely than not force the person away from you. You shouldn’t give up them because you don’t care but because they don’t really care for you, and them caring for you isn’t really a reality. sometimes you can convince yourself of something that isn’t really there and it is worse when you come to that realisation so thats what the quote is saying. Don’t make it hard on yourself, if a person doesn’t honestly care for you, give up on them to stop the heartbreak being greater.
i know that i haven’t really shared anything personal with you but i feel like i have because describing that second quote was like describing the heartbreaking experience i had, and i think it was important that i said something about it but re living the memory really was painful. So before i give you my life story i want to say thanks to all of you who have read this and also to stay true to yourself because all of you deserve love