Bullied for 6 years the final part

The last two years I spent at my secondary school were undoubtedly the worst. Not because the bullying was worse than before, it wasn’t, infact it wasn’t that bad in the last two years,  but because of the position I was in due to the bullying in the two years before. Ariana left at the end of year 8 and I thought that year 9 would be a new beginning, everyone was in different dorm houses and I thought I might be able to make some new friends, branch out and talk to other people. And when I was in a dorm room with two new girls lulu and elena I managed to make some new friends. Or so I thought. Lulu was my closest friend and I did all I could to be there for her and help her but she was too interested in following another girl in our year around like a puppy dog and so barely spent that much time with me. She would always complain to me about how she had no one there when I was always there for her and it let me know that she didn’t consider me that close to her and didn’t care much for our friendship. I was right. By the second term she no longer talked to me. She was friends with the popular crowd and so she never even acknowledged me, the most I would ever get was Hello. It was as though I barely existed. The only person I had to talk too was Elena but she moved rooms from me in the second term and we shared very little subjects and so I did have her and I talked to her when I wanted but It wasn’t as often as I wanted. I was devastated when in the second term she left. Thats when the real isolation began. No one really wanted to talk to me or be friends they all had their little groups and weren’t concerned for me. I tried so hard to fit in, I talked to people, I sat with them at lunch and I was careful not to be too clingy but at the end of the day I wasn’t part of their group since year 7 and so they didn’t care. It was like no one really understood or thought about how isolated I was and how I thought there was something wrong with me because no matter how hard I tried backs would be turned to me before I even opened my mouth to say Hello. I realised at the end of year 9 how alone I was and how little anyone cared about others, they were only concerned with their own well being and i didn’t fit into their little equations.

Year 10 rolled around and once again I was optimistic that finally people would give me a chance. I was the quiet girl who had no friends, what did I have to offer people when they had the option of hanging out with the “queen bee” and her ” little lambs”. Yet I was still optimistic what else did i have to lose. I was quick to try and establish a friendship with some lovely Chinese girls in my room right at the beginning of term. But by half term I could tell they were pulling away. One of the “popular crowd” had offered them friendship and of course they picked her over me. I wasn’t going to get them into the cool parties, or anymore friends. The only thing I could give them was my friendship and in turn isolate them from the rest of my year group. I felt so defeated yet I still tried to stand up and fight. I was determined to try and make it work. After the half term I began to become more isolated It was easy to see that absolutely No one in my year wanted to spend time with the loner, the loser. My grades began to slip and I lost all faith in who I was. I lost faith in what I could do and what I could achieve. Above all else I lost all sense of self worth and I lost my Identity. I felt like a non entity. I felt like I no longer existed. Year 10 was the most painful year of my school life. I would sit alone every day at lunch every evening at dinner. I would spend all my time by myself constantly on my computer, and began to sink deeper into a sense of no longer belonging. Not one person who saw me sitting myself, being alone, or spiralling further into an almost depression ever even asked me if I was alright.I lost my fight I could no longer stand living in the sinking ship, I couldn’t pick myself back up anymore.Thats when I knew I could no longer stay and fight anymore. My grades were slipping so much fighting didn’t seem like it would do me any good anymore. And at the end of year ten thats when I got myself out of my own personal hell a hell that I shouldn’t have had to put up with.

What I found most interesting was that the teachers at the school only cared about what happened to me when I told them I was leaving. They refused to accept that I had been bullied taking no responsibility for what went on  at their school claiming that it wasn’t possible. They told me that it wouldn’t be worth me repeating a year if I moved but they offered me a spot in the year below at the school.They tried for ages to persuade me to stay only caring what happened to me when they realised that they would lose money from us as we would no longer be paying to stay at the school. I was insulted they wanted me to stay, they cared about me, but only when school fees were on the line. They didn’t care when they saw me by myself they didn’t try to accept that anything bad would happen at their school, they didn’t care about me but then the expected me to stay at that school. I was so glad to be rid of that school, and once I did move I met so many amazing people and made friends with some other amazing kind people, and I never did look back.

So the moral is only fight when it is worth fighting for and never try to make something better that never will be. Don’t stay somewhere that  doesn’t make you happy, its not your obligation to make things work, if they aren’t working and it makes you unhappy leave don’t stay for the sake of saying.

Quizzicalnonsenseoxox

 

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