Orange is the new black season 4 finale

warning this contains spoilers

I have just finished the season four of orange is the new black and I don’t think i have ever been so deeply affected by any series or movie before. It has shocked me to the core and I’m divested. I can’t get over the death of my favourite character Poussey and I am absolutely beside myself that she is dead. I can’t process it. I know that she is just a character on a television series but I feel like i have followed her plight, got to know her season by season, and learnt to love her as a friend, at is gut wrenching that she has now gone. It really is like loosing a friend to me. I rooted so deeply for the budding romance between her and soso and was so happy that she found someone who finally understood her and made her happy. I identify greatly with the character of soso and feel so badly her pain in the death of Poussey as well. Poussey was really all she had in the prison that kept her going that made her truly happy, and she began to love her and its simply devastating that that has gone from beneath her and I can’t see her character coping well with her death. It hurt me more that Poussey was just left on the cold cafeteria floor, dead. She was a human being and she was treated with so little respect by the people in power, she was essentially de humanised. The prison guards cared so much about humanising bayley that they did it at poussey’s expense, leaving her de humanised. I felt so helpless watching her dead body lying there and because she was on a screen, because she was simply a character, not being allowed to do anything, having no power to help. I must have cried for a solid hour after i finished watching, I felt so much pain and anguish for the death, and even now I feel numbed by it, unable to shed a single tear even though I want to. I am mourning the death of a t.v character who’s plight symbolised so much to me who had so much hope ahead of her and had for sure a bright future. I sympathise with the devastation her death has left behind and mourn the pain of poor soso who I see a lot of myself in, and there is nothing I can do to bring back poussesys character she is gone for good, and this knowing that she wasn’t even real and there is still nothing i can do makes it so much worse. This death is something that will take time for me to process, take time for me to mourn, and take time for me to heal from. I don’t think I will ever be able to get over her death but at least I can heal the pain I feel for a character I loved for a character I wanted so desperately to succeed in life, for a character who showed me that there is hope for everyone and who’s plight showed me that you will have good times and bad times and yet you will still carry on, for a person that I will greatly miss now they are gone.

Bullied for 6 years the final part

The last two years I spent at my secondary school were undoubtedly the worst. Not because the bullying was worse than before, it wasn’t, infact it wasn’t that bad in the last two years,  but because of the position I was in due to the bullying in the two years before. Ariana left at the end of year 8 and I thought that year 9 would be a new beginning, everyone was in different dorm houses and I thought I might be able to make some new friends, branch out and talk to other people. And when I was in a dorm room with two new girls lulu and elena I managed to make some new friends. Or so I thought. Lulu was my closest friend and I did all I could to be there for her and help her but she was too interested in following another girl in our year around like a puppy dog and so barely spent that much time with me. She would always complain to me about how she had no one there when I was always there for her and it let me know that she didn’t consider me that close to her and didn’t care much for our friendship. I was right. By the second term she no longer talked to me. She was friends with the popular crowd and so she never even acknowledged me, the most I would ever get was Hello. It was as though I barely existed. The only person I had to talk too was Elena but she moved rooms from me in the second term and we shared very little subjects and so I did have her and I talked to her when I wanted but It wasn’t as often as I wanted. I was devastated when in the second term she left. Thats when the real isolation began. No one really wanted to talk to me or be friends they all had their little groups and weren’t concerned for me. I tried so hard to fit in, I talked to people, I sat with them at lunch and I was careful not to be too clingy but at the end of the day I wasn’t part of their group since year 7 and so they didn’t care. It was like no one really understood or thought about how isolated I was and how I thought there was something wrong with me because no matter how hard I tried backs would be turned to me before I even opened my mouth to say Hello. I realised at the end of year 9 how alone I was and how little anyone cared about others, they were only concerned with their own well being and i didn’t fit into their little equations.

Year 10 rolled around and once again I was optimistic that finally people would give me a chance. I was the quiet girl who had no friends, what did I have to offer people when they had the option of hanging out with the “queen bee” and her ” little lambs”. Yet I was still optimistic what else did i have to lose. I was quick to try and establish a friendship with some lovely Chinese girls in my room right at the beginning of term. But by half term I could tell they were pulling away. One of the “popular crowd” had offered them friendship and of course they picked her over me. I wasn’t going to get them into the cool parties, or anymore friends. The only thing I could give them was my friendship and in turn isolate them from the rest of my year group. I felt so defeated yet I still tried to stand up and fight. I was determined to try and make it work. After the half term I began to become more isolated It was easy to see that absolutely No one in my year wanted to spend time with the loner, the loser. My grades began to slip and I lost all faith in who I was. I lost faith in what I could do and what I could achieve. Above all else I lost all sense of self worth and I lost my Identity. I felt like a non entity. I felt like I no longer existed. Year 10 was the most painful year of my school life. I would sit alone every day at lunch every evening at dinner. I would spend all my time by myself constantly on my computer, and began to sink deeper into a sense of no longer belonging. Not one person who saw me sitting myself, being alone, or spiralling further into an almost depression ever even asked me if I was alright.I lost my fight I could no longer stand living in the sinking ship, I couldn’t pick myself back up anymore.Thats when I knew I could no longer stay and fight anymore. My grades were slipping so much fighting didn’t seem like it would do me any good anymore. And at the end of year ten thats when I got myself out of my own personal hell a hell that I shouldn’t have had to put up with.

What I found most interesting was that the teachers at the school only cared about what happened to me when I told them I was leaving. They refused to accept that I had been bullied taking no responsibility for what went on  at their school claiming that it wasn’t possible. They told me that it wouldn’t be worth me repeating a year if I moved but they offered me a spot in the year below at the school.They tried for ages to persuade me to stay only caring what happened to me when they realised that they would lose money from us as we would no longer be paying to stay at the school. I was insulted they wanted me to stay, they cared about me, but only when school fees were on the line. They didn’t care when they saw me by myself they didn’t try to accept that anything bad would happen at their school, they didn’t care about me but then the expected me to stay at that school. I was so glad to be rid of that school, and once I did move I met so many amazing people and made friends with some other amazing kind people, and I never did look back.

So the moral is only fight when it is worth fighting for and never try to make something better that never will be. Don’t stay somewhere that  doesn’t make you happy, its not your obligation to make things work, if they aren’t working and it makes you unhappy leave don’t stay for the sake of saying.

Quizzicalnonsenseoxox

 

Bullied for 6 years part 2

At age 11 I went to my boarding secondary school, exited by the prospect to start over again to make new friends and board for the first time. When I arrived there I was put in a room with all the other girls who were boarding, there were only 7 of us at that time. I was quick to make friends with a girl ,I will call her Ariana. She was a domineering character which suited my quiet personality, but it really wasn’t that long until things went awry. I began talking to another girl in my year Natalie whom Ariana hated, and she began to accuse me of backstabbing her. I was horrified and stopped talking to Natalie because Ariana was my only really close friend at the time. However later on that term I discovered what she truly thought of me. It was the middle of the night and I guess she thought I was asleep because she was talking with another girl in my room about me and she said ” she’s just so annoying all the time like I wish sometimes she would just fuck off” which was not something I wanted to hear from someone who i thought was really close to me, especially since she had accused me of betraying her. We gradually grew apart until we were no longer friends after that evening and perhaps I was clingy then but she was my only friend and I didn’t deserve how she treated me after that.In the third term of year 7 I was really very close to these two girls called Katie and eva. I for a long time thought they were my best friends, we did everything together, but again I was wrong. One day I had left the room for a shower and when I came back I stumbled onto a conversation where they were both telling each other that they were their only best friends and talking about how close they were not even mentioning me. I was crushed, again our friendship  never recovered and to make matters worse they made a point of not hanging out with me and on the rare occasions I would sit with them at lunch or walk with them down a path they would continuously tell me to get out of the picture and ask why I was talking to them. It was like someone had hit me in the face. Later on in that third term, the first incident with Ariana occurred, she had become friends with a girl in our year (Roseanne)who was particularly rude and overaggressive and I think this wore on her and that she thought that the behaviour was cool. I was sitting in the living room with a girl called Lynda and Eva we were practising a group project when Ariana came in and asked Lynda to come with her somewhere. Me and Eva sat in the room for around ten minutes before we thought we should go out and see what was happening. When we walked outside we saw Ariana and the Roseanne holding a bedroom door shut, and from the other side we heard Lynda pleading to be let outside. Me and eva asked them both what was going on and they said that it was just the pet dog. So playing along with their game we asked if we could see the pet dog and they opened the door, at first we couldn’t see Lynda so we walked into the room and suddenly we were locked in too. I don’t remember how long we were stuck in there but eventually they let us out. They found the panic that they put Lynda through very amusing and made no effort to mask it.This was the first of many incidents to happen in the next year.

Year 8 rolled around and it was then that I learned from other people that Ariana and me were enemies and hated each other, something that i wasn’t even aware of. One day I was in the day room during the winter term by myself, when Ariana walked in. I wanted to leave the room but I froze and she took full advantage of that. I don’t remover exactly what she said but it was very threatening and then she stepped forwards and pushed me full force. I flew backwards crashing into a set of bins and hitting my head on a sharp edge of a sofa. She just stood over me laughing. I was more shaken than I was hurt, and now terrified of her. The next week this same incident occurred again although fortunately I was standing in an empty space so it was only my back that was hurt on this occasion not my head. Again there was no one there to witness it and I was too afraid of her to report the behaviour. There were many more incidents where she pushed my with all her force that happened throughout the rest of that term and so I was constantly living in fear of her running from her in the hallways and staying away. The next term I had my birthday. On my birthday everyone was in the locker rooms getting changed ready for P.E and it so happens that her locker was next to mine, she pulled me round behind the lockers and stupidly I followed her thinking that she was going to reconcile or just be civil and wish me a happy birthday. She leans against the locker and says ” I have a present for you” and then pulled her middle finger out and told me to go fuck myself and shoved me back but not so hard this time. I was of course annoyed that I had believed she might try to be nice but It just made me more terrified to be anywhere near her. Over the rest of the year she would always talk about me very loudly to her friends when I was in the room and would constantly call me a bitch, pushing me or trying to trip me over in the hallways. She would make fun of me and tell me how pathetic I was. She would pretend to be nice to me in front of other people than be threatening to me in private. On the rare occasions we might have to work together in class or on a project I would be terrified to even talk scared to death how she would act around me what she would say.

Ariana made my first two years at school a living hell between the ages of 11-13 I lived in fear, running away from her, hiding from her if I saw her on the hall, staying away from her at all costs. I was afraid to speak out against her but I was afraid not to so I never said anything. Those two years taught me that No matter how scared you are you shouldn’t have to put up with people treating you badly, emotionally and physically abusing you or making you feel worthless. You should always tell someone what is going on no matter what, it is better to do something than nothing.

The last part of my bullying story will be up tomorrow this will be the last part and the final two years.

Quizzicalnonsenseoxox

 

Bullied for 6 years part one

I wanted to share something that is relatively personal to me, but something that has been a big part of my life. More than anything I want to prove to myself that I’m not afraid to talk about it but to show that some of the worst bullying doesn’t have to be physical. That sticks and stones saying was wrong words can hurt and sometimes they can hurt just was much as a kick or a punch.

I first began to get bullied at age nine. This girl ( lets call her Hester)who I used to be friends with began very subtly staring at me intensely when I walked into a room or  excluding me from things that all my friends were doing. I thought that this would be the end that it was just a blip in the road of our so far good friendship  but how wrong I was. It continually got worse after I turned ten. She would often run past me in the hallways and punch me really hard in the side, or take things of mine and try and frame other people. She would begin to tell me all the time how much her family hated me( i had met them when we were friends) and would return gifts to me that I had got her when we were friends, she would simply put them in my rucksack at school without warning. To make matters worse she spun a different tale to all the other people  in my year, crying crocodile tears telling everyone I was leaving her out and that she felt very alone. This prompted people to accuse me of being a bully and telling me I should apologise to her. The only people that really knew the truth were my real friends who didn’t buy her crocodile tears. It got even worse when we reached year 6 and I turned eleven. She would being to stand a bit away from me pointing at me and whispering about me to other people and then come up and tell me they were talking about something else. She would tell me that we were great friends and then talk about me behind my back spreading malicious rumours. She began to hit me more often when she passed me down the street. However the worse was yet to come. All of our year group went away for a weekend to an activities park called PGL. Whilst we were there me her and two other of my friends were put in a room. In groups we had to play this scavenger hunt game, and one of the things we needed as a group was in our room but Hester was in a different team and had the key. So our group went over to her and asked for the key and at first she refused to give us the key, finally we wore her down and she became irritated. She unstrapped the key from her leg and flung it towards me. If it had not have been for one of my friends having good reflexes and catching the key quickly it would have gone into my neck and potentially hit a vein in my neck and caused me serious injury. To make matters worse once more she began to cry and one of the teachers came to our group and began asking what we had done wrong, when I tried to tell her about the key that had almost injured me she interrupted me and told me to stop being selfish, stop thinking of only myself and tell her what I had done to upset Hester. Of course I was outraged and didn’t give her any legitimate reasons for Hester being upset refusing to pretend like I had made her upset when I hadn’t.

Needless to say we didn’t speak again and we have not had any contact with each other since. I have forgiven her and moved on especially since we were so young when it happened and I will not hold it against her, however I will never forget how much pain it caused me and how upset I was during the two year span that it occurred. It taught me a valuable lesson though, not everyone in the world was has good intentions and not everyone has good heart.

I will post part two of my bullying story tomorrow. If i put all 6 years in one post it would be too long to read and to write. But I hope you have found the story interesting so far.

Quizzicalnonsenseoxox

Its a long way down

Throughout my life I have gained many friends and lost them. Perhaps the most bitter loss I encountered was when I discovered that someone I trusted some one whom I called my best friend,  threw back in my face the trust I had put in her, using problems I had had against me to make herself feel better. Whats so bitter about it is how I find it hard to forgive her, I usually am so ready to let things go to forgive forget and move on. I have done that with people who bullied me, but those bullies were much easier to forgive because I never trusted them, I never saw them as people who were going to stick by me through thick and thin, I never extended them my friendship.But for someone who claimed to be so close to me, to stab me in the back, it felt like the ultimate betrayal of trust.

There were signs that things were going wrong in the friendship about three weeks before it was destroyed. We were becoming two different people, she wanted to take a path that I wanted no part in, she wanted to test the boundaries, smoke, drink herself silly. Things that might affect her future or her health. I wanted to no part in any of that behaviour. And then one day 3 weeks later she( lets call her phoebe) calls me up and begins to tell me that girls in her year group had been saying horrible things about me, being rude, things that were so mean ( I don’t feel like disclosing them) when I didn’t even know them. So I texted a friend who knew the girls Phoebe was talking about and asked her to find out if any of the horrendous things had been said. They hadn’t. Now phoebe had also texted me some of the things that had been said so of course i was quick to screenshot them. I confronted Phoebe about what she had said and at first she was quick to deny it but eventually claimed that it was a misunderstanding as the only girls in her room at that time( she went to a boarding school) had been talking russian, so I don’t really understand where she got those false mean comments from and I never will. I told her that I didn’t trust what she was saying because she had broken my trust in the past and I had given her many chances to redeem herself. I told her that it was nasty of her to pretend people had said things they hadn’t when she knew that the last 6 years of my life i had had to face being bullied by other people.  Then she turned around and blamed things on me saying that it was my fault because I was so busy not trusting her I hadn’t tried to help her when her friends were being horrid to her. This was entirely unfair as she had never told me she was having her own problems. I was horrified that she was blaming her actions on me and so I haven’t spoken to her since. I do have a theory that because she was having a bad time at school she wanted me to feel the same way and feel low like she did, I mean I don’t know if thats the truth but its just a theory that I have.

As I say there are several other times that she broke my trust one time in particular when she used something that was happening in my life against me, a serious problem I was having and thought it was ok to make fun of it to laugh at it.

I know it may seem like she did nothing but to have someone I trusted use the fact that i was bullied against me to make me feel vulnerable and back in that place where I hated myself and didn’t think I was good enough is something that I personally struggle to forgive. I guess the moral of the story is you have to know someone properly before you trust them with the most vulnerable parts of your life.

Quizzicalnonsenseoxox

The Bully, Bullied and the bystander

For a long time in my life I was bullied, so when I ended up befriending a bully I finally got the chance to do something right and to try and help those who reminded me of me. When I changed schools one of the first people to talk to me was a girl named for the sake of this I will call her Lulu. Lulu was kind and made an effort to make me feel integrated into the school, to make me feel like i belonged. She had 2 other friends called Myra and Anna. For two weeks all was well until I started to notice some strange behaviour on her part. When discussing Anna’s dad ( who unfortunately and very sadly died when she was at a young age) Lulu felt it was acceptable to say that it didn’t matter, no one cared he had died and that everyone should just talk about her. Of course I was concerned at this point and went to Anna and apologised for what had happened. Little did I know this was merely the beginning. A few weeks went by without a single hint of anything wrong until one day suddenly Lulu began to spread a rumour about Anna. Of course Anna was very upset about this and didn’t want to confront Lulu( she never did but Lulu tried to attack her running after her into the streets) however Lulu claimed that Anna had tried to push her into the road and called her racist names ( which she hadn’t and i pointed this out to her so it was never brought to the attention of the teachers) I told Lulu to apologise for the unnecessary behaviour but I don’t believe she ever did. It still got worse, one day Lulu and Anna got left behind in P.E and Lulu claimed it was all Anna’s fault. The Next day when Anna retold the story saying how Lulu had blamed it on her Lulu told her to ” shut up or I will kill you” of course i was quick to interject and make her apologise saying that her reaction was completely over the top and disgusting, and of course she was quick to say she was joking. However i left the room for a while and when I came back Anna looked terrified she came over to me and whispered ” Lulu just scratched me and said that she wasn’t afraid of me or afraid to hurt me” I confronted Lulu once more about this but she denied it, I made her apologise once more and told her if another problem arose we would no longer be talking to her.  A long time passed before the final incident, Lulu trying to keep to her best behaviour. But it all went wrong. We were at school playing a game of basket ball when Anna who was tired sat down ( she has dizziness issue). Lulu then angrily and very roughly grabbed her arm and flung her up. I ran over to see if she was ok and Anna then began screaming at Lulu in russian she had finally had enough. Lulu responded by hitting her and pushing her over, we had to break it up and a teacher was notified. The worst was still to come. The next day whilst I was in choir an incident occurred in which Lulu attacked Anna pulling her hair pushing her down the stairs and scratching her ( scars are left ).Lulu was then suspended

Now throughout this whole period i had wanted to notify the teachers but with Anna begging me not to I felt forced to put her best interests at heart believing that I could help her. I was careful to be there as much as I possibly could and spoke up for her once the final incident occurred. I cut all ties with Lulu telling her exactly why we weren’t friends and making sure she understood we never would be. I tried my hardest to stop Lulu and protect Anna through out the whole situation without forcing Anna into a position she begged me not to be in. I refused to be a bystander who just watched one of her friends get physically bullied. I now don’t understand why people who watch others get bullied can’t tell the bully to stop like  I did, or protect look after the bullied like I did. Just being there for someone who needs you showing them they have a friend and making them feel like everything will be ok is enough and I don’t understand why others in my position might not do the same as I did. You have to remember its ok to be the bystander that looks after your friend and tries to prevent the situation and sticks by the bullied through thick and thin, it is not acceptable to be the bystander who does nothing, watches everything, joins in with the bully and doesn’t tell  the bully they are wrong. Sometimes your obligated not to tell an authority but that doesn’t mean you can’t do something to make another person feel as though they aren’t so alone in the world, that they do have someone and the bully is the one who doesn’t deserve anyones friendship, that  doesn’t take anything and by doing it you become a decent and better person in the process

Quizzicalnonsenseoxox

Back with a bang

So I only just realised today that the last time I was on here was 2014 which is crazy to me. Oh how the time flies.  Since 2014 I have grown so much and experienced so many different things,and I connected more to who I am truthfully. One of the biggest lessons I have learnt is that you should never hold onto something that is no longer within your grasp the same way that you don’t ever hold on to a person or a friendship that isn’t working anymore. I’ve lost my fair share of friendships over the last year or so and when it happened of course it hurt me because none them ended on particularly good terms but looking back now i see that it was all for the better and that honestly i was cloning on to something that didn’t even exist. I wanted to spend time with people who no longer cared for me any more. I read something a quote a while back, I don’t remember it exactly but the message basically was that being honest doesn’t get you lots of friends but it gets you real ones. People that I ended with throughout this year couldn’t handle my honesty and my opinions and I have come to realise that they aren’t true or real friends because real friends see the truth and accept your opinion for what it is and don’t try to undermine you or make you sit in silence. I guess what I’m saying is never be afraid to be yourself even if you feel that you isn’t good enough because trust me you is always good enough and people who try to tell you otherwise are insecure and can’t handle the fact that your unique and true because they aren’t able to do the same.

I might share some of my experiences with friends and people( obviously not naming people) because it probably will be a good experience for me. If you like the idea don’t be afraid to comment and tell me!

quizzicalnonsenseoxox